I can. I will. End of story.

This is the attitude that I have lived by ever since I was a little kid. And because of this attitude and Post Traumatic Stress, I am hardened just the way the military likes us. But, I refuse to let the PTSD control me even though it still does and will to some degree even in the future.

I finally got my mind straightened out but I still deal with the physiological responses associated with having PTSD. My body is literally stuck in fight or flight. And my goal is to finally after all these years learn how to in fact relax. This has been significantly improved by my service dog but I still feel the residual effects of being stuck in fight or flight for years.

As I am healing I am getting more open to confronting the things that are still triggering me. For example, a threatening text from a ‘MST Advocate’, a text from someone asking me what’s going on, a tweet that includes name calling, people exposing my past with PTSD like it’s something to be ashamed of, and finally people who harm others getting promoted by organizations, media, and Congress.

What do we do when we realize that something is triggering us? We either address it head on (fight) or we avoid it and run away (flight). But before I can do either, I first have to work through the freeze. I become so shocked and outraged when anyone treads on me in any way, that I cannot respond the way I would like to. Not only do I not want to act a fool in general but I don’t want these kinds of reactions to confrontation or random attacks like cyberbullying to rule my PTSD response.

I want to in fact let my guard down and let people in. When my PTSD gets triggered, I harden back up in military defensive posture because I realized running away from problems doesn’t solve a damn thing. After the freeze response, which is actually good at this point, I automatically go into fight mode because that is what my body is conditioned to do after years of service in the military.

I needed to be in defensive posture in the military but I don’t now and do not want to be stuck in fight or flight any longer. If I curl up in a ball and go away, who is that going to help? Not me. Not the veterans & troops I help. I don’t serve in the military anymore therefore, I am open to loving and trusting again.

But its pretty damn hard when you have a group of people purposefully targeting you the way the perpetrator in the military did. I never asked for that. And I didn’t ask for this. You have stirred up the hornet’s nest when it comes to being sick and tired of being a good person who appears to be the target of wrongdoers at every corner. It’s time to hold not just the military accountable but society in general.

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